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A few laughs (I hope)

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  • A few laughs (I hope)


    They say Laughter has healing properties,
    So here's for your, and everyones, good health

    Interstate Chase

    Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on
    I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia
    line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.

    The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and
    said, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop?"

    The sarge replied, "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour
    ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."
    I'm Screwed!

    An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself
    surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of cannibals. Upon
    surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God,
    I'm screwed."

    The sky darkens and a voice booms out, "No, you are NOT
    screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head
    of the chief standing in front of you."

    So with the stone he bashes the life out of the chief.
    Standing above the lifeless body, breathing heavily looking
    at 100 angry natives . . .

    The voice booms out again, "Okay . . . NOW you're screwed."
    God Plays Golf

    Moses, Jesus, and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to
    the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway
    and lands in the water trap . Moses parts the water and chips
    the ball onto the green. Jesus steps to the tee and hits the
    ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the
    water trap. Jesus walks on the water and chips the ball onto
    the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball.
    It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water
    trap, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As
    the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops
    down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies off
    over the green, where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky
    and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish
    When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth
    and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

    Jesus then turns to the old man and says "Dad, if you don't
    stop messing around, we won't bring you next time."

    Is it a Boy or Girl Cat?

    A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of
    kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his
    mother, "There were 2 boy
    kittens and 2 girl kittens."

    How did you know?" his mother asked.

    "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I
    think it's printed on the bottom."
    Your Dog Is on the Roof

    Phil goes to Europe and leaves his favorite dog with his
    brother James. while in Europe, Phil calls James to check on
    his dog and asks: "so James, hows my favorite dog doing??"
    and James very tersely says

    "Your dog is dead" "

    What??" says Phil "you can't just tell someone their
    favorite dog is dead without a warning, you have to ease
    them into it."

    "How" says James. "Well, the first day i call, tell me my
    dog is on the roof" remarked Phil "tell me the dog is going
    to be fine and not to worry.

    The next day, when I call to ask about my dog, tell me
    that you were about to get her down, when it jumped off of
    the roof and broke its leg, tell me the doctors say it will
    be ok, but it will have to stay at the vets for a while. Are
    you getting all of this???" "Yes" says James"

    "Good." remarks Phil. "then the next day when i call
    back, tell me that there was severe internal bleeding that
    the vet didn't pick up and that my favorite dog died at 2:00
    this morning. that way it won't be such a shock to me. Got

    "Yes." "Good, so, hows Grandma doing?" asks Phil.

    "Well..." James replies "she's on the roof"
    New Scientific Theories

    Here are the winning entries from a recent contest for "new
    scientific theories."


    4th Runner-Up-- The earth may spin faster on its axis due
    to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin
    increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the
    cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin
    dangerously fast.

    3rd Runner-Up- Communist China is technologically
    underdeveloped because they have no alphabet. The lack of an
    alphabet means the Chinese cannot use "acronyms"; thus, they
    cannot communicate their ideas at a faster rate.

    2nd Runner-Up- The 'Why Yawning Is Contagious' Theory: You
    yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure
    change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear
    pressures, so they must yawn to even it all out.

    1st Runner-Up- If an infinite number of rednecks
    riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an
    infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of
    highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's
    great literary works in Braille.

    HONOURABLE MENTION: The quantity of consonants in the
    English language is absolutely constant. If consonants are
    omitted in one geographic area, they turn up in another. When
    a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah", the lost r's migrate
    southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in
    "erl wells."

    GRAND PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands
    on its feet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with
    the buttered side facing down. Therefore, I propose to strap
    buttered toast to the back of a cat. When dropped, the two
    will hover, spinning inches above
    the ground, probably into eternity. A "buttered-cat array"
    could replace pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and "giant
    buttered-cat arrays" could easily allow a high-speed monorail
    linking New York with Chicago.
    DW788. -Have fun in the shop or it isn't a hobby anymore.

    NOTE: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.

  • #2

    Thanks for the yucks Marcel. They were much needed.
    Scrollsaw Patterns Online
    Making holes in wood with an EX-30, Craftsman 16" VS, Dremel 1680 and 1671


    • #3
      I'm wearing a big grin right now, Marcel, and you put it there.

      There is no opinion, however absurd, which men will not readily embrace as soon as they can be brought to the conviction that it is readily adopted.
      (Schopenhauer, Die Kunst Recht zu Behalten)


      • #4
        Thanks for posting, Marcel. I loved the inventions awards section in particular ... ...

        Scrolling with a Dewalt 788


        • #5

          Marcel. Those were just what I needed! If you don't mind, I'm going to borrow some of them for my weekly joke I send to a selected few.
          We Danes are very even tempered. We're always mad about something!


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