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A few laughs (I hope)
Gill,
They say Laughter has healing properties,
So here's for your, and everyones, good health
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Interstate Chase
Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on
I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia
line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.
The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and
said, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop?"
The sarge replied, "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour
ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm Screwed!
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself
surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of cannibals. Upon
surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God,
I'm screwed."
The sky darkens and a voice booms out, "No, you are NOT
screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head
of the chief standing in front of you."
So with the stone he bashes the life out of the chief.
Standing above the lifeless body, breathing heavily looking
at 100 angry natives . . .
The voice booms out again, "Okay . . . NOW you're screwed."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God Plays Golf
Moses, Jesus, and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to
the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway
and lands in the water trap . Moses parts the water and chips
the ball onto the green. Jesus steps to the tee and hits the
ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the
water trap. Jesus walks on the water and chips the ball onto
the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball.
It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water
trap, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As
the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops
down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies off
over the green, where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky
and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish
When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth
and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says "Dad, if you don't
stop messing around, we won't bring you next time."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Is it a Boy or Girl Cat?
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of
kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his
mother, "There were 2 boy
kittens and 2 girl kittens."
How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I
think it's printed on the bottom."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your Dog Is on the Roof
Phil goes to Europe and leaves his favorite dog with his
brother James. while in Europe, Phil calls James to check on
his dog and asks: "so James, hows my favorite dog doing??"
and James very tersely says
"Your dog is dead" "
What??" says Phil "you can't just tell someone their
favorite dog is dead without a warning, you have to ease
them into it."
"How" says James. "Well, the first day i call, tell me my
dog is on the roof" remarked Phil "tell me the dog is going
to be fine and not to worry.
The next day, when I call to ask about my dog, tell me
that you were about to get her down, when it jumped off of
the roof and broke its leg, tell me the doctors say it will
be ok, but it will have to stay at the vets for a while. Are
you getting all of this???" "Yes" says James"
"Good." remarks Phil. "then the next day when i call
back, tell me that there was severe internal bleeding that
the vet didn't pick up and that my favorite dog died at 2:00
this morning. that way it won't be such a shock to me. Got
it??"
"Yes." "Good, so, hows Grandma doing?" asks Phil.
"Well..." James replies "she's on the roof"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Scientific Theories
Here are the winning entries from a recent contest for "new
scientific theories."
THE RUNNERS-UP:
4th Runner-Up-- The earth may spin faster on its axis due
to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin
increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the
cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin
dangerously fast.
3rd Runner-Up- Communist China is technologically
underdeveloped because they have no alphabet. The lack of an
alphabet means the Chinese cannot use "acronyms"; thus, they
cannot communicate their ideas at a faster rate.
2nd Runner-Up- The 'Why Yawning Is Contagious' Theory: You
yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure
change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear
pressures, so they must yawn to even it all out.
1st Runner-Up- If an infinite number of rednecks
riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an
infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of
highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's
great literary works in Braille.
HONOURABLE MENTION: The quantity of consonants in the
English language is absolutely constant. If consonants are
omitted in one geographic area, they turn up in another. When
a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah", the lost r's migrate
southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in
"erl wells."
GRAND PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands
on its feet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with
the buttered side facing down. Therefore, I propose to strap
buttered toast to the back of a cat. When dropped, the two
will hover, spinning inches above
the ground, probably into eternity. A "buttered-cat array"
could replace pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and "giant
buttered-cat arrays" could easily allow a high-speed monorail
linking New York with Chicago.
They say Laughter has healing properties,
So here's for your, and everyones, good health
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Interstate Chase
Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on
I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia
line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.
The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and
said, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop?"
The sarge replied, "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour
ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm Screwed!
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself
surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of cannibals. Upon
surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God,
I'm screwed."
The sky darkens and a voice booms out, "No, you are NOT
screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head
of the chief standing in front of you."
So with the stone he bashes the life out of the chief.
Standing above the lifeless body, breathing heavily looking
at 100 angry natives . . .
The voice booms out again, "Okay . . . NOW you're screwed."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God Plays Golf
Moses, Jesus, and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to
the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway
and lands in the water trap . Moses parts the water and chips
the ball onto the green. Jesus steps to the tee and hits the
ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the
water trap. Jesus walks on the water and chips the ball onto
the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball.
It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water
trap, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As
the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops
down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies off
over the green, where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky
and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish
When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth
and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says "Dad, if you don't
stop messing around, we won't bring you next time."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Is it a Boy or Girl Cat?
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of
kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his
mother, "There were 2 boy
kittens and 2 girl kittens."
How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I
think it's printed on the bottom."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your Dog Is on the Roof
Phil goes to Europe and leaves his favorite dog with his
brother James. while in Europe, Phil calls James to check on
his dog and asks: "so James, hows my favorite dog doing??"
and James very tersely says
"Your dog is dead" "
What??" says Phil "you can't just tell someone their
favorite dog is dead without a warning, you have to ease
them into it."
"How" says James. "Well, the first day i call, tell me my
dog is on the roof" remarked Phil "tell me the dog is going
to be fine and not to worry.
The next day, when I call to ask about my dog, tell me
that you were about to get her down, when it jumped off of
the roof and broke its leg, tell me the doctors say it will
be ok, but it will have to stay at the vets for a while. Are
you getting all of this???" "Yes" says James"
"Good." remarks Phil. "then the next day when i call
back, tell me that there was severe internal bleeding that
the vet didn't pick up and that my favorite dog died at 2:00
this morning. that way it won't be such a shock to me. Got
it??"
"Yes." "Good, so, hows Grandma doing?" asks Phil.
"Well..." James replies "she's on the roof"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Scientific Theories
Here are the winning entries from a recent contest for "new
scientific theories."
THE RUNNERS-UP:
4th Runner-Up-- The earth may spin faster on its axis due
to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin
increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the
cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin
dangerously fast.
3rd Runner-Up- Communist China is technologically
underdeveloped because they have no alphabet. The lack of an
alphabet means the Chinese cannot use "acronyms"; thus, they
cannot communicate their ideas at a faster rate.
2nd Runner-Up- The 'Why Yawning Is Contagious' Theory: You
yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure
change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear
pressures, so they must yawn to even it all out.
1st Runner-Up- If an infinite number of rednecks
riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an
infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of
highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's
great literary works in Braille.
HONOURABLE MENTION: The quantity of consonants in the
English language is absolutely constant. If consonants are
omitted in one geographic area, they turn up in another. When
a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah", the lost r's migrate
southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in
"erl wells."
GRAND PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands
on its feet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with
the buttered side facing down. Therefore, I propose to strap
buttered toast to the back of a cat. When dropped, the two
will hover, spinning inches above
the ground, probably into eternity. A "buttered-cat array"
could replace pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and "giant
buttered-cat arrays" could easily allow a high-speed monorail
linking New York with Chicago.
...
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