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    Pills
    INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL

    1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

    4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

    5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

    6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

    7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

    8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

    9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

    10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

    11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

    12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

    13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

    14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.

    John

    Old Dust

  • #2
    Oh so True...everytime the wife needs help with this project, I hide
    Hawaiilad
    Larry

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    • #3
      Another reason why I don't have a cat. In fact, no one has a cat. They honor you with their presence
      Chuck D


      When a work lifts your spirits and inspires bold and noble thoughts in you, do not look for any other standard to judge by: the work is good, the product of a master craftsman.
      Jean De La Bruyere...

      l
      Hegner 18, Delta p-20, Griz 14 inch Band saw

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      • #4
        I have done the cat in the towel routine with eye dropper full of meds. Husband held cat. I forced open mouth. I think there was more medicine on fur then in mouth. At least the cat is self cleaning
        Thanks for a good laugh!?!?!?!
        Website:
        www.wix.com/tangowooddesign/home-page
        ___________________

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        • #5
          Originally posted by ChuckD View Post
          Another reason why I don't have a cat. In fact, no one has a cat. They honor you with their presence
          Yes Dogs have masters but cats have "staff"
          Hegner Polymax- 3,Hegner Multimax-3,
          "No PHD, just a DD 214"

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          • #6
            Thanks for the laugh,must have been my cat.
            Tony

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            • #7
              ROTFLMAO

              george
              A day without sawdust is a day without sunshine.
              George

              delta 650, hawk G426

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