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Funny Quotes

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  • Funny Quotes

    1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
    peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
    passengers in his car."

    --Author Unknown

    2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
    get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
    "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
    --Author Unknown

    3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
    There's a support group for that.
    It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

    --Drew Carey

    4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's
    not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
    doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
    drop them off at the wrong house."

    --Jeff Foxworthy

    5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
    and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
    infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."

    --Dave Barry

    6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
    we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
    wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
    There should be severance pay, the day before they leave
    you, they should have to find you a temp."

    --Bob Ettinger

    7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
    her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
    'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

    --Paula Poundstone

    8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have
    better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
    authors of that study: "Duh"

    --Conan O'Brien

    9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
    halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
    I could be eating a slow learner."

    --Lynda Montgomery

    10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
    people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
    and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
    Let's go west.'"

    --Richard Jeni

    11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
    impersonators would be dead."

    --Johnny Carson

    12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

    --Paul Rodriguez

    13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida,
    but they turned sixty and that's the law"

    --Jerry Seinfeld

    14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
    case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
    from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
    What, do tall people burn slower?"

    --Warren Hutcherson

    15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
    Monogamy is the same."

    --Oscar Wilde

    16) "Suppose you were an idiot And suppose you were a
    member of Congress.. But I repeat myself"

    --Mark Twain

    17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
    At least they can find Afghanistan."

    --A. Whitney Brown

    18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog,
    and the dog will give you a look that says,
    'My God, you're right!
    I never would've thought of that!'"

    --Dave Barry

    19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?
    Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.

    --Unknown, presumed deceased

    20) "Everybody's got to believe in something.
    I believe I'll have another beer."

    - W. C. Fields

    And lastly: Why in Hell should I have to Press 1 for English!!!
    Chuck D

    When a work lifts your spirits and inspires bold and noble thoughts in you, do not look for any other standard to judge by: the work is good, the product of a master craftsman.
    Jean De La Bruyere...

    Hegner 18, Delta p-20, Griz 14 inch Band saw

  • #2
    Chuck. I think you and me are on the same email list. Ho Ho so funny.


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