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Two for Tuesday
Bran Muffins
An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years,
had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the
last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and
exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to
their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen
and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much
all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf
course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing
privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new
one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old
man asked, "what are the green fees?"
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet
lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand
yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some
exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?"
the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part . . . you can eat as
much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat
and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing
down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him
what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your
fault. If it
weren't for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten
years ago!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remedy for a Bad Job Day:
When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this. On your way home from work,
stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a
rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this
brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the
phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very
comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair, open the package and
remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become
chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins - Take out the literature and
read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every rectal
thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not
work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson.
"HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT
IS WORSE THAN YOURS."
An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years,
had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the
last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and
exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to
their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen
and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much
all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf
course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing
privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new
one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old
man asked, "what are the green fees?"
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet
lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand
yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some
exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?"
the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part . . . you can eat as
much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat
and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing
down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him
what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your
fault. If it
weren't for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten
years ago!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remedy for a Bad Job Day:
When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this. On your way home from work,
stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a
rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this
brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the
phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very
comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair, open the package and
remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become
chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins - Take out the literature and
read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every rectal
thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not
work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson.
"HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT
IS WORSE THAN YOURS."
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